On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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