I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
