my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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