So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
God I need to hump something, right now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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