Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
