Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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