I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
