My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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