So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
