You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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