what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
