I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
