thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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