i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
