Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
