I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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