Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
