My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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