i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
