i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
