Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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