I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
