If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
