Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
