Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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