Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
