dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
