Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
