I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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