note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize