why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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