I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
