I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm at about main and main street
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
