So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
