Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
