If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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