I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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