i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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