You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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