It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I know her cup size but not her name....
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