I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
