I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
