He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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