Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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