He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
