im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
