Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
