I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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