I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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