Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
