Soap is not a condiment
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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