had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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