its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
