awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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