i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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