Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
