you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
