dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
