Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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