Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's shark week go big or go home
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
