i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You smell like stripper and shame
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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