I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
