Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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